I like music. I listen to music all the time, wherever I go. In fact, I'm listening to music right now.
Not only do I listen to a lot of music, I listen to a variety of music. I don't listen to genres, I listen to sounds. I like music based on sound and idea, not classification and artist. With this in mind, I do believe that I am in good authority to judge music for what it is.
A product is only as good as the tools used in its craft. Here, I will present the list of best to worst instruments. This is not a complete list, and it never will, because I don't have time for that.
Note: instruments listed refer to both electric and acoustic variants unless stated otherwise.
|Ascension to a Higher Plane of Existence||Keytar||Of course. What else? This instrument will get you money and bitches faster than you can say, "One sec, gotta tune."|
|The Best Instruments||Guitar||The easiest instrument to learn, the best to make music with. The guitar has an impressive variety of different ways to play, and I don't mean styles, I mean to create sounds. The guitar is my favorite to play and listen to, in any genre, from any time period. Any acoustic instrument that resembles a guitar, even if fundamentally different, has an honorary position in this spot.|
|Keyboard||Better range and better maneuverability than any other instrument, but I'm putting it just beneath Guitar because it doesn't have that wholesome aesthetic the Guitar brings. A grand piano is just hammers hitting strings, and an electronic keyboard is just prerecorded sounds, which leads to excellent music, but can't beat the honest human connection one has physically plucking a guitar string.|
|Good but not Solo Instruments||Drumkit||In contrast to the guitar, the easiest instrument in the whole planet, but the hardest to learn. I thought it was really easy to learn, but no one seems to be able to play it. What do I know? Don't play this alone in public unless you're a cut above.|
|Bass||I know I said anything that resembles a guitar is in the guitar spot, but I cannot in good conscious put the bass on the same level as the guitar. Not out of bias, but because it's mechanically inferior. All sounds are vibrations detected by the ear. These vibrations can be calculated into cycles per second, or Hertz. The ear can detect multiple magnitudes of Hertz, and can even find ratios between Hertz. That's how you get chords, the ear knows the relationships between two tones; good tones eventually meet in vibration cycles, and "bad" tones don't. But, these ratios imply that consecutive ratios will increase exponentially thus higher Pythagorean pitches are farther apart than lower. The bass deals with lower pitches, and to account for Pythagorean tuning, the Hertz are much closer together in magnitude, providing less variety than the guitar, which provides a greater variety of notes in a higher pitch. So unless you’re a genius, don't play the bass solo ever.|
|Violin||The violin is a fine instrument, but it must be played alongside the piano or it's just a bunch of NNEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEH.|
|Saxophone||A tool you blow in to that actually sounds good. I'm shocked. Unless you are a Jazz master, don't play this instrument.|
|Trumpet||Same as above except you probably shouldn't play it at all.|
|Gimmick Instruments||Cowbell||The most coveted instrument in the world. It hides behind an SNL sketch to mask how CLANK it sounds.|
|Didgeridoo||Become one with the Kangaroo.|
|Slide Whistle||The Trolls 2 of instruments.|
|Harmonica||The most hardcore instrument out there. Only the coolest of cats will ever pick it up and sound incredible.|
|Kodak Printer||Show everyone you're more experimental than a rat in an alleyway and sample your very own Kodak Printer (omg never done before)|
|The Microphone||Don't beatbox ever. You look and sound like a tool.|
|Scholarship-tier||Viola||A violin for midgets. I've never seen a midget play one so this assertion might be wrong.|
|Mallet instruments, and other things shoved into the back of the room.||Just play the piano you dope.|
|Trombone||No one actually knows what this instrument does.|
|Clarinet||Unless you're Jewish I just don't want to hear any of it from you.|
|Mellophone||I, honest to god, have never heard of a Mellophone before I duckduckgo'd "list of band instruments" for inspiration for this list. What's a mellophone and what does it do?|
|Tuba||If you're too short for a trombone and too fat for a trumpet, I have the best (worst) instrument for you to be a complete waste of time with.|
|Meme-tier||Sousaphone||If you put your mouth on a sousaphone you will literally become a meme, and people will tell stories about you for ages to come.|
|Theremin||It is required that your IQ be in the low three hundreds in order to even look upon the theremin. It takes a bit more to play.|
|Any percussion instruments I haven't mentioned thus far||If you actually enjoyed playing the tambourine at some point, you might just have to quit the arts all together, because you missed the point.|
|The Euphranium||The euphranium is something I heard someone talk about in the sixth grade. I've never seen a euphranium in my life so I don't know if it really exists.|
|Banjo-tier||Banjo||I'm breaking the guitar rule again. TWANGTWANGTWANGTWANGTWANG isn't music it's just annoying. If you play anything beneath this instrument I don't want to hear anything from you.|
|Flute||No. In no context does the flute sound good. Duel me.|
|Piccolo||Flute on whatever the inverse of steriods are.|
|Bassoon||This isn't even an instrument, it's just a big old stick.|
|The Worst Instruments Ever||The Oboe||This instrument is absolutely fucking awful. Even my band director back in middle school said he doesn't know what it's for. Anyone who "plays" this instrument needs to find a new hobby, because music clearly didn't work out for you.|