Questions on the Internet Are Serious Business.

It is a true statement that the internet gives us so many questions. One question I always have, which is never, is what kinds of questions am I supposed to have?. These days are over thanks to the fantastic website crazythoughts.com, which provided so much insight on the world around me that I don't think I'll ever have a new question ever again. You could even say that I have all the answers now. Let's take a look and find out, what makes us humans tick?

Page One

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

There are only so many ways you can give someone diabetes without someone else raising an eyebrow. Speaking of eyebrows...

Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

Yes.

At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?

Both.

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Yes.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

No. Vegetarians don't eat; end of dicussion.

Why are there no 'B' batteries?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?

If his skin is still intact and his lungs didn't collapse, he will definitely hear something.

If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?

Checkmate, atheists.

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Before or after the circus?

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

When there is more sun than cloud.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What do you think the answer to that question is?

If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?

Green

If God sneezes, what should you say?

You damn it.

Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?

Yes.

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

Yes, unless you're filming it. Then it's just animal abuse.

If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?

Tuesday.

Do Jewish vampires still avoid crosses?

No, but they do avoid steak. Also, Moldovans. Also, still?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

No.

In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?

He called the combination of the hat and the feather macaroni.

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

Yes, that's why they never come true.

If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

If it bothers you that much, have cheese instead.

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Yes.

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

That's another tip for the George Jar.

Can you daydream at night?

No, that's a thought crime.

Why do they call the little candy bars "fun sizes". Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?

No.

What is Satan's last name?

Satan's last name is in dispute. However, according to Yahoo answers he either didn't have one, has the same last name as a celebrity, or the same last name as a U.S. politician. It depended on how old the user was.

What is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Two thousand words.

Why does quicksand work slowly?

It doesn't.

Can crop circles be square?

Is this about the bread thing?

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

They can fly you goon.

Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

You can't hit what you can't see.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I'd hate to break the ice...

When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?

Atheists swear on the bible all the time.

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Milk.

Can animals commit suicide?

Download the Tor browser and find out.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

People who work at pawn shops don't strike me as particularly highbrow.

Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?

Do you know any sane people who bowl?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Ask your dentist.

If glassblowers inhale do they get a pane in the stomach?

No, they get a pane in the glass.

Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?

What? Speak up boy!

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

Both.

How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?

The old.

Why do they sterilize lethal injections?

It would a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.

Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

Drapes look nice?

Is a pessimist's blood type B-negative?

Probably not.

Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?

That's why it melts.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Actually, money is made of li- wait, what?

Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?

What do they look like?

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

I digress.

Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.?

Is this a declarative or an interrogative?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

The easter bunny isn't real; neither are eggs.

Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

One.

Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?

I did.

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

They don't.

Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?

Yes, but it's hilarious.

If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

No.

If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, why does it not go bad inside the cow?

Uh oh.

What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?

The price.

Page Two

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

This man just fixed the economy.

Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

He is just a figment of his imagination.

What was Captain Hook's name before he got the hook?

James.

How fast do hotcakes sell?

Fast. Not Jimmy Johns fast, but faster then salad.

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you without your clothes on anyway.

To giggle.

Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?

To the grave.

If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?

Yes

Why do people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every few hours?

They wern't resisting a rest.

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?

Does Mississippi deserve insurance? I think not.

If you dug a hole through the center of the earth, and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?

Kind of.

If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?

Is that the free market you what to live in?

If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and you are the main witness, what if you say "no"?

Then the defendent is ruled innocent, and you're an asshole.

Do they bury people with their braces on?

Yes. Is this a trick question?

How far east can you go before you're heading west?

As long as it takes for you to turn around.

How does a real estate company sell its office without causing confusion?

Stealthy, like a ninja.

Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?

Whatever's cheaper.

If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?

It means the pirate captan himself, John Madden, has come back from the depths to play a prank.

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Yes.

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

There are no time zones in space.

When lightning strikes the ocean, why don't all the fish die?

Checkmate, creationists.

When two men get married to each other, do they both go to the same bachelor party?

I want you to think about this question.

If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack, should they save him?

Why?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

How else are you going to get to Montana?

If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?

To scare kids into architecture.

Who was Sadie Hawkins?

Another reason why Kentucky is the Florida of the north.

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?

Wishful thinking.

When crazy people walk through the forest, do they take the psycho path?

That's crazy, dawg.

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

Do you know anyone who celebrates Halloween from the back of a white van?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

Yes, that is exactly what they do.

Can a cemetery raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living?

No, they blame it on the death ceiling.

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

Who cares?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Thursdays.

What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?

Putrid Umbra.

What do they call male meter maids?

Yardstick Yuppies.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I'm calling the police.

If you were driving at the speed of light and turned on your headlights, what would happen?

Time would slow down.

Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?

That's not what they're getting arrested for.

Can atheists get insurance for an act of God?

Yes, but that doesn't mean he exists.

What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?

If you can't answer that question, no one can.

If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

No

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

It's never only a game.

Why is the man who invests your money called a "broker"?

You're very smart.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

In a desert? Are you nuts?

Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?

It's funny to everyone else.

Do you yawn in your sleep?

No comment.

Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?

It smells like cotton candy.

Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

I want that one.

Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?

No. Why would you think that? No.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

This one is just morbid.

Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic?

Psychic's don't have any friends.

If you died with braces on would they take them off?

Why?

If someone who has their nose pierced has a cold, and they take their nose ring out, does snot come out of the piercing hole?

What the hell is this?

If you speak only one language, are you lingual?

Oh no, I'm only half way there.

Page Three

How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.

You'll have to ask a lemon skeptic.

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

The question asker is a confermed insomniac.

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Creationists 1: Rational People: 2

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Other way around.

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

Tell "Pheobe" I'll be home with milk in the morning.

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

To leave it open ended.

Why can't donuts be square?

Why does everything have to be square?

Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?

Water you talking about?

What happens to an irrisitable force when it hits an immovable object?

They have a quick chat and then irrisitable takes immovable out for food, drinks, and a movie.

How can they arrest you for being 'legally drunk'? If it's legal, why is there a problem?

The phone rang and it startled me.

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you're bulimic.

If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell?

What does smell have to do with sound and light? The latter are constants and the former is an action.

Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?

A back up for when you realize that this was a mistake.

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

No.

Do people in prison celebrate Halloween.... if so how?

This question is a new low. Why is it a moral concern when children celebrate Halloween, but you just have to know if people in prison celebrate Halloween? Would it kill you if I said they don't celebrate Thanksgiving either?

Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?

Security guards are god complexes who are also above the law. They can teleport to work if they want to.

Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?

It's the only way they can communicate with Satan.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I think I was four when I saw this movie. I don't remember much of it. You guys are going to have to help me out here. What does the Little Mermaid have any relation or anything to do at all with mathematics?

What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?

Δεν καταλαβαίνω.

What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of Siamese twins? Who gets to be king?

The gardener.

Why do we recite at a play, and play at a recital?

You really turned the english language on its head just there.

Why do they call them "Free Gifts"? Aren't all gifts free?

No.

Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?

This is a creepy question.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Yes.

How come cats butts go up when you pet them?

They're just happy to see you.

What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?

Not much.

If a criminal turns himself in, shouldn't he get the reward money?

What would he even use the money on?

Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?

Yes.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Because some Dutch dudes wanted to stick it to the maaan, bro.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Do you think the sponges are soaking up the water, or is this about displacement? It's a stupid question either way.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Yes. Is that the answer you want? Yes, it goes on your record.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Interior =/= inside.

Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

Yes.

Why are dogs noses always wet?

They sniff eachothers butts. This was already discussed.

If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?

No, it would die.

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

Self explanatory.

Why do they lock the lid on a coffin?

There is a huge theme in these questions about coffins and dead things and I'm not sure why.

Why don't women put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans?

You can't take a picture of someone who is missing.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?

Triangles, you do the math.

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

Two people trying to figure out what is being sold here. Incase you needed context.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What's this guys deal with circles being placed on squares and vice-versa? Is it really that big of a deal? How would you even open a circle box?

Do bald people get dandruff?

No.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How can something be twice as cold?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Because the bubbles reflect all the light in the room.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

That's not funny.

Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word "lisp"?

He deserved a metal.

Why do superheroes wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes?

It's a Florida thing.

If a taxicab driver were to drive backwards, would he end up owing his passenger money?

No.

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Your mom.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

How else are you goi- wait! Is anyone else getting a weird sense of deja-vu?

If you melt dry ice, could you swim without getting wet?

Funny you ask about dry ice, and how it's not really ice.

Do pigs pull their ham strings?

Yes.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Yes.

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Great Westerns of Cincinnati. That is a sportball fact.

Can you cry under water?

Yes.

Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car? And, why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

And where do they get all those hammers from? Are they communists?

If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?

You would pop first.

If a bouncer at a bar gets drunk and unruly, who throws him out?

Only Cthulhlu can save them now.

Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

What? Spea- wait! I should see a doctor about this.

Page Four

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I hope so.

How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?

A shot in the dark, in a dark place.

When a pregnant woman has twins, are there 1 or 2 umbilical cords?

Two.

Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?

Because they're British.

Why do they put holes in crackers?

Yeast rises.

Why do they call it "raw sewage"? Is there any other kind?

Cooked sewage.

What do people in China call their good plates?

好板

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

Do you want to sell hippos?

Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?

They don't live very long.

Why is tuna sometimes called "tuna fish"? Chicken is never called "chicken bird".

A better question is why do they call it a mountain chicken?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

I hope not.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Water you... oh, hey! A dollar! Maybe now I can finance this website!

If an escalotor breaks down, does it become stairs?

How shallow have we become?

Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

To convey personality.

Do Roman paramedics refer to 'IV's as '4's?

The Romans are dead.

Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

Yes.

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Yes

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes.

Why does a priceless object cost more than a pricey one?

Yes

If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

That's not how camouflage works.

With so many rivers running into the ocean, why doesn't the water level rise?

Evaporation.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good or bad?

It will never suck as much as Crazy Thoughts dot com.

What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

Handles(?)

When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn't his face get sprayed with burning ash?

Class.

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

You're not listening hard enough.

Do your eyes change color when you die?

No.

Was Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?

No.

Why is it good to be "under par" in golf, but bad to be "under par" in anything else?

Because golf is backwards and played by lunitics. Also, the least amount of points wins.

Can an ambidextrous person make an offhand remark?

Yes.

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

Yes.

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

This question implies you have never been to a library. They don't have the bible in most libraries. The thing is handed out for free in some places.

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

As old as you are when you die.

If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?

No.

What type of animal is Snuffleupagus?

It's a goose.

If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

Yes.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Yes.

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

Whenever I have to spell 'mnemonic', I just remember: My, nasty, earbleed, made, only, nosey, idiots, choleric. Don't ask how I remember how to spell choleric.

Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

No.

If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?

Oh wow, another repeat. Should I make a joke about Alzheimers?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

So the zombies don't get them.

What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

You get a more interesting movie. It's about serving hot water on a cold day.

On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

Who packs for just three hours?

If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?

Yes.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?

Another dictionary.

If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

Yes.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Use your invisible imagination.

Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

They don't say that in the first place.

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Less counseling.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Ballers.

Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?

Who wants to read a dead section?

Why is it "a penny for your thoughts", but you "put your two cents in"?

Now your stealing from Steven Wright. He may have stollen from Steven Wright earlier, but I'm not too familiar with his work.

Why do they say "easy as pie"? Making a pie is not that easy.

They were refering to eating.

Why people are so scared of mice, which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Mickey Mouse, who is bigger than us?

One's real and the other isn't. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

Does everything need to be orderly and aligned with you?

Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?

I can not bee-leve this question.

Can bald men get lice?

Yes.

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

I like this question.

Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

Yes

If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your body hair?

Sey.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Yse.

Do married people really live longer than single people, or does it just seem longer?

Esy.

Does the postman deliver his own mail?

No, he gives that job to the firefighters.

Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

Your right. I wish it came in green.

Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?

Never =/= Maybe

If quitters never win, why do they tell us to quit while we're ahead?

So that you don't lose.

Why aren't lawyers sworn in during trials?

Lawyers are above the law.

Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?

To make everyone mad.

Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?

That's what you're already doing.

Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

The bathroom.

If something "goes without saying", why do people still say it?

It had to be said.

How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall, but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?

Why would anyone want a deer as a pet.

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

No.

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

This is a good question.

Why does a dog get mad at you when you blow in his face, but [he] stick[s] his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

Dogs are dumb. That's not a question.

If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

I don't know, maybe...

PRUNES?

Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?

No, it's very appropriate.

If you lick the air, does it get wet?

No.

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

Yes.

When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

No.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

To stay cold.

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

Yes.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

He walks.

Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?

George Puttenham.

Why are you "in" a movie, but "on" TV?

Syntax.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

This site wouldn't exist. Also, I'd be rich.

Why does grass only smell when you cut it?

That's not grass, dude.

If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

Are you asking if 2000 === 2000?

When French people swear, do they say "pardon my English?"

No. They don't apologize.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Yes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

That's not my decision.

Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam.

What do you think that is?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Lexicon.

In Conclusion

That was one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. What wasn't stolen and said out of context was a bunch of that's nacho cheese statements. This was so stupid I'm not even giving it a rating.

Go back