The Oct

Octopuses are badass motherfuckers.

Humans can't handle the oct.

You Can't Handle Nature's Magnum Opus

It is a well known fact that the octopuses are the bald eagles of the sea. Majestic creatures of pure blue blooded badassery who won't take shit from anyone. I dare say that all octopuses outrank the grandeur of humans themselves.

The Plight of the Octopus

Octopuses terrorize the waters, natural born ninjas, sneaking up on some goon when they least expect it. Never again will those who swim within the dark dank depths of the sea feel at home, for it is the octopus who calls it home. An abode prime for playing pranks on victims and feasting on their surmise shortly afterward.

Octopuses evolved from the nautilus, which was an octopus with a shell. The octopus broke free from this shell and became the juggernaut it is today. The octopus is so badass it can become other animals through camouflage. Humans should learn a thing or two from the octopus and their arcane ways. As the primary inheritors of magic, a status taken from their nautilus ancestors, the octopuses could easily beat the humans in a duel. They can squeeze through holes, lift medium sized rocks, and shoot ink out of their assholes. I for one welcome our cephalopoden overlords.

FACT: The correct plural of octopus is octopuses. This is because "oct" and "es" are both greek roots. Octopi is splicing Greek and Latin roots.

The Octopuses Strike Back

First they came for the sharks, and I did not speak out-

Because I was not a shark.

Then they came for the Trans-Pacific trade unions, and I did not speak out-

Because I was not a Trans-Pacific trade union.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out-

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me-

And there was no one left to speak for me, because all the lawyers were dead.

The Future of the Octopus

What lies ahead for the octopus? I like to imagine the octopuses are plotting world domination right now, as we speak. What kind of a creature of such pristine sature simply floats around? After the Greek philosophers invented thinking, they invented thinking about thinking. One thing that really made them think was the octopus. Aristotle thought with his Greek thinking that the octopus were stupid creatures who simply floated around. Look at him now. He's dead. Do you think some one like him just died? Let me ask you something, how many people do you know have said the octopuses are stupid and later ended up dead?

There is something stirring about in the octopuses den. The octopuses are trying to overthrow human civilization. You don't see too many Greek philosophers anymore, do you? I think the octopuses are trying to usurp humanity from the inside out? Don't believe me? Take a look at this!

Who is letting this slippity slimey bastard get away with this?

FACT: The octopus will eat its own arms when it gets bored.

The Octopus in the News

The octopus knows what's up. They know who's behind the news. They're coming for you after all the crabs are gone. And then they will control the media. They will rule the planet with their new pioneers in new media and soon all will be installed into the great octopus mind snatchery. You should have listened to me.

The Song of Octopus

Syd Barrett made a track about the octopus. And it was good.

Gentle Giant made a record called octopus. And it was better.

Ringo Starr made a track about the octopus. And it was shit.

FACT: The octopus will only accept offerings with their right arm. Scientists aren't sure why. The mystics believe they have the upper hand.


Category Rating Notes
Artistic Value 10 Symmetry, texture, and color work together to make a beautiful specimen.
Community 10 Octopuses are cool dudes. No one really worships the octopus.
Cost 2 While the octopuses have no economy, symbolically adopting an octopus is 55 dollars, and that is far too much for the deep sea nirvana.
Didactic Undertones 10 If man was created in god's image, then who created the octopus?
Humor 10 They're just goofy silly guys.
Intrigue 10 I want to know more. Octopus, show me your arcane and esoteric ways.
Irritability 5 They show up on your boat and eat all your shrimp. That's annoying.
Philosophical Integrity 5 Not much to ask for here. They probably know the answer, so not much to ask us.
Pretentiousness 10 Very pretentious, but they deserve to act that way because of their competence.
Sophistication 10 Grace under pressure, poise under harm.
Total 82 I welcome our new cephalopoden overlords, and surely they will not remove me with the rest of them, as I backed their mission with this article.


What lies ahead for the octopus? If yesterday was the age of the lizard, is tomorrow the age of the cephalopod? What does it mean for us as the kings of earth, the dominate species, to have an unknown rival. Octopuses can last thirty minutes out of water. Say that someday that feat extends to thirty hours. Thirty days? Years? Could the pragmatic man and the calculating cephalopod live side by side? Or would one overtake the other in a battle of wits, resources, and strength?

None can know what lies ahead for us. None will ever learn what lurks in the future of mankind. Have no fear, the octopus will be here. I'm feeling fine.

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