The Sun is Tearing Itself Apart

It's such a shame, too. He had such a good career before losing himself to entropy. I will be giving his run another five billion years before finally collapsing on himself.

This is the sun in 2010
This is the sun right now undergoing surgery
Picture of surgery was taken by Kelvinsong at Wikipedia

Oh No

The sun has been an idol for many over the past thousands of years, some even taking up worshiping and groveling the sun, some going as far as to calling him a deity. But recently, the Sun has been doing things that many would consider downright henious, or even shocking. Let it be known that this article will shock you, so make sure whoever is sitting next to you has your doctor's contact information.

Like It's Hot

Let it be known that the sun has been up to no good, doing things that are downright illegal.

Here he is hiding behind a brand. It's too bad that with my expert journalism, he can no longer hide behind his web of LIES.

The Crimes Shine Through

I tried to warn everyone. According to professionals standing in the divine presence, the sun can give you cancer. Looking directly at it can blind you. Standing on it can evaporate you. WAKE UP, PEOPLE. This man has duped us for so long. But no more. The truth must be known for the twenty people who read this site.

A Star Is Out There

Earlier today, which could be last week for all I know. I don't have a schedule. Whenever it was, I talked to a close associate of the sun, Alpha Centari. Here is the transcript.

A Radiation of Radiating Radiates

Thank you for joining me tonight.

Thank you for having me

I understand you are the sun's closest neighbor, is that correct?

Yes that is correct Mr. Admin

Can you tell me a little bit about the sun in his youth?

Give me a moment English is not my first language The sun just kind of stood around away from everyone else like most stars do I can't remember a time he ever said hello That's alright though everyone always forgets about me

How do you feel about the sun having planets? Do you want to have planets?

Oh my stars no Never planets I wouldn't want to bring another humans into the world The sun can keep his planets

That's very ineresting. Do you think that having planets has caused a lot of stress for the sun?

Yes

About that causing cancer predicament; is there a cure?

Nope those ultraviolet rays are all yours dude

I collect them like trophies. How do you feel about nukes and peace in the Middle East?

What in the where

That's how most people feel. Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Because if people who work in the food industry could make rational decisions they wouldn't be working in the food industry

Yes thank you for your time. I do believe there are other tabloids that would like to talk to you. I think Buzzfeed asked for you first.

What is this No you can't take me away I will not be bought by corperations

Just wait until you have to talk to The Sun.

FINAL RATING

Category Rating Notes
Artistic Value -9 All interpretations of the sun are nothing more than a blob.
Community 6 I suppose some credit is due. Most of the earlier sun worshippers were open heart surgeons.
Cost -10 Protection from the sun can add up.
Didactic Undertones -4 There is really nothing in the way of saying humans should and will never reach their greatest limits. I thought it was common sense.
Humor -10 Have you ever heard of a good sun joke?
Intrigue -1 I guess some people have found something interesting about it.
Irritability -8 If you look at it long enough, you'll see what I mean.
Philosophical Integrity 1 Many things can be asked about the sun. They are nothing too exiting.
Pretentiousness 3 I suppose a little bit of cancer and blindness every once in a while isn't much to ask for for vegetation and acting as a fairly standard reading lamp.
Sophistication -2 That's still childish.
Total -34 Der Sonn ist nicht toll.

Hunky Dory

I suppose if we have learned anything, it's that we should think twice before we decide who our heroes are. Wait no, that's not what this was about at all. I just don't know; make up your own moral, I guess.

Go Back